Redefining Masculinity: Part 2

Loneliness & Isolation

Over the last half decade, particularly since COVID upended all of our lives, there has been a growing concern about loneliness and the impact it has on our society. The U.S. Surgeon General even called loneliness and social isolation an epidemic in 2023. It’s a problem that has felt more prevalent in therapy with my clients since COVID.

If you’ve never sat with someone who is overwhelmingly lonely, I can tell you that it is heartbreakingly painful. We’re a social species and when people get stuck in a cycle of unwilling isolation and loneliness, the weight of the isolation becomes not just depressing but even debilitating at times. There are a lot of culprits to loneliness; increase in social media presence instead of face to face contact; a general shift to remote work; a shrinking of community engagement at a local level; young people waiting to get married and then struggling to find partners. Honestly, the list goes on and on.

What I’m most interested in, though, is the role vulnerability plays, particularly among men. I should be clear; loneliness is obviously prevalent across all genders and invulnerability is not just a problem with men, but I do find that both of these issues, loneliness and struggles with vulnerability, are much more prevalent among men. The thing I wonder most about is why and how?

Why do men struggle with vulnerability and how is vulnerability connected to loneliness? Men’s struggles with vulnerability start at a young age. Like the last newsletter where we discussed how “there’s no crying in baseball!” boys are taught early on that they are to be tough and strong. Crying is just one type of vulnerability, but the overarching messaging that I see taught to boys is that emotions are weak so you don’t show emotions.

It’s not always explicit, but when I unpack these things in therapy, the messaging becomes clear. When I ask men about their struggles with showing emotion, I often get, “I don’t know why, it’s just not something I’ve ever done. You know how it is, men just aren’t as emotional as women.” When these same men think back to their childhood and up through high school, they can usually identify a lot of emotions. Some will even admit they have very strong emotions, internally, they just don’t display them in the world. As I get to know these men in therapy, they are often very likeable, very personable, and are pretty easy to talk to. And yet, unless they remain in the same community where they grew up with a lot of friends, they are often terribly lonely and have no real close relationships outside of their spouse, many of whom have severe marriage problems or have already been divorced.

What is it about invulnerability that leads to loneliness and isolation? The truth of this lies in the nature of how we connect with others. The most important thing I can emphasize is that any close intimate relationship requires vulnerability. It’s a prerequisite. Not just a romantic relationship, but any close friendship, familial connection, and yes, romantic partner. We connect through our vulnerabilities not despite them. There are levels to this and some of the most important ways of being vulnerable are not about telling a spouse your deepest thoughts and feelings. Take the simple feeling of liking someone. I don’t care if it’s a romantic interest or a new adult friend. It’s one thing to like the person, it’s another level to admit it to yourself, and it’s a whole other animal to take the risk of letting them know.

The act of caring about someone actually requires a deep level of vulnerability because the basic nature of caring about, liking, or even loving someone leaves you vulnerable to be hurt by them at any time. If you can do it, though, and that interest is reciprocated, then a deeper level of connection is found and two people grow closer. Without this vulnerability, the connection risks being superficial and assumptions can be made about our actual intentions. Lack of vulnerability leads to disconnection and makes being present with one another harder because we can get stuck in our head.

When I was younger, I had the good fortune of being one of the biggest, fastest, and strongest athletes at my school. I also took pride in my lack of flexibility, thinking flexibility was more of a girl trait. As I got bigger, faster, and stronger, my muscles grew tighter and I began to have serious issues with pulled muscles, ultimately leaving me in pain and sidelined.

As a society, we don’t teach our youth, particularly our boys, the necessary value of being both strong and flexible. If being a man is to exude strength by taking charge, fixing problems, and dominating an opponent, then a redefined version of that definition should include the importance, too, of being “flexible”; vulnerable. I’m a pretty confident person in most situations. I can be an anchor at home for my family, I’m relaxed and outgoing socially, and I feel confident in my skills as a therapist. I feel strong and “manly” most of the time. That doesn’t mean I’m without vulnerabilities. Although I love being social, I’m bad at maintaining relationships from afar and reaching out to people. I feel exposed somehow.

I’ve also really been struggling with the process of creating a newsletter. I’m confident in my writing abilities as a whole, but this is a whole new type of writing that I’m not used to. The most daunting part is the consistency; having to put out a letter every two weeks initially sounded easy for me, but as I do it, I feel scared, incapable, and even more exposed. I’m not even worried about what people think about it, I’m mostly worried about being able to maintain a high quality of writing consistently over time. I’ve never had to do that, and I want to be proud of everything I put out. The hardest thing for me, though, is admitting all of this to anyone at any time.

The week before my first newsletter was released I was feeling a lot of pressure, and I found myself in my head about all these concerns about writing. For several days, I pulled away from my wife and daughter, was distant, quickly agitated, and struggled to be present at home. It wasn’t until I found the time and space to voice these vulnerabilities to my wife and talk through them that I was able to calm my insecurities and find that confidence again.

If I had just tried to maintain my persona of strength and confidence through this process and never voiced my vulnerability, I would have remained a mess inside. Would I have figured it out on my own? Maybe, but it would have been so much more painful. If I didn’t figure it out, and I never allowed the vulnerability to come out, that’s when real destruction to a relationship can happen. Closing off and shunning vulnerability when you feel exposed leads to disconnection. Strength in vulnerability is not just about confronting feelings of vulnerability head on, it’s about being able to communicate that experience to someone you trust. It’s a whole other animal to admit to openly.

We’re all strong and vulnerable in different ways. It’s easy to flex our muscles to show strength but much harder to take the time to be flexible and stretch our muscles in new and challenging ways. Part of being a man is to not just flex your muscles, but to stretch them out as well. Embrace your vulnerabilities as well as your strengths. If we can do that, maybe we can start to tackle this epidemic of loneliness.

-Luke